Who am I? Until my sister told me of her quest to find her inner self, I never thought much about that question. So, today I ask myself, who am I?
I am person who struggles with being an anxiety ridden empath. I often find myself buried in the brokenness of others, trying to fix them. So now that the mirror has turned to cast my reflection, I must learn to see the beauty in my own brokenness. Admittedly, most days, I don’t recognize me. The child looking back at me sees an awkwardly tall, racially ambiguous, shapely yet physically insecure little girl. I have always been on the tall side, and most of my life I was skinny. I have struggled with my complexion, never light enough or dark enough to fit in, anywhere. I had a wide behind, small breasts, and big lips. I had brittle kinky hair that was easily broken and when straightened, only required a small bit of moisture to betray me.
My insecurities set me on the path of a life in a constant search for acceptance, and approval. Though I never wanted to, or needed to be the center of attention, I frequently was. I was often desired, I was often chosen, I was always wanted. But, I was never seen, or accepted for simply being me. The woman in the mirror…oh, she sees me. She knows that I am not awkwardly tall, I simply have long sexy legs. My complexion is the right blends of many flavors but most closely relates to caramel. Although I am no longer skinny, I am still shapely and fit. I do not have a wide behind, I have an onion bottom ass. I don’t have small breasts, I have breast that are proportionate and full enough to fit my frame. I don’t have big lips, I have soft, full lips, inviting of a kiss. And my hair, well after a little mutual respect, I have come to understand that her betrayal, it was simply thirst. I keep her hydrated, she keep herself strong, her curls soft and defined.
The one thing that the mirror couldn’t see was the thing I want so badly to show the world. Who I am…truly. I am bright, intelligent, funny, kind, and loving. My daddy would always say, “Little girl, you are so smart. You’re pretty too, but mostly smart.” He said to make sure that smart is what gets me by in life. My problem is, if you don’t use the way you look, how do you get them to listen long enough to know how smart you are? His answer…balance. “Be beautiful enough to get their attention, and be smart enough to keep it. Be sure to carry your confidence with you everywhere that you may go, and pack a little assertiveness as back up. Learn a little bit about everything, and everything about something. Know enough to start and hold meaningful conversations when a room goes silent.” In my forty plus years of life, that has continued to stick with me.
So, who am I? I would say that I am a culmination of experiences, both good, and bad. I am a lifelong learner, and teacher. I listen twice as much as I speak, and hear much more than what is said. I understand far more than I will ever be understood. I am a daughter, a mother, a grandmother, a little and big sister, an auntie, a friend, a lover, a wife, and a survivor…I am a woman. Unapologetically.
Teliah Octavia 